I haven’t written much in this space as of late. Part of it is I’ve been busy around the time the What I’m Into linkups have been happening. And the truth is, I’ve been afraid to write here.
My life at this age is not what I anticipated. I was never the kind to make concrete plans, never quite knowing mystically what I wanted to do in life. I counted too heavily on a change in me, to make things fit. Maybe when I’m 23 and graduated, I’ll want to teach, I’ll be better at teaching. Maybe this life will teach me what I need. 23 came and went, I lack the talent I thought it would bring me. Lectures on literature didn’t quite teach me how to teach. Professors didn’t inspire me the way I thought. If anything, I’d take after the three professors I loved the most, two young and one insightful. They aren’t who I ever thought I’d take after, but it’s the most fitting I see myself in them. The two, who would do things outside the structure of a typical class. One teaching me how to explore my writing deeper, the other playing U2 at the end of class, because it connected with that classic Greek story we were discussing that week. The more insightful man, his class varied. There was always room for discussion. Sometimes it seemed he spoke so high above my level of understanding, I couldn’t discern a thing. Sometimes, he’d talk about the way a piece of literature connected with scripture so deeply and I left the classroom moved. These are the people who taught me the most, who made me feel the most comfortable being myself in their classrooms.
I used to think in absolutes, black and white. Things either had to be this way or the other. But now, I’m starting to realize how untrue that is. I’m learning to live in this world of colors and embrace it. I’m learning and seeking to find my place here.
I frequently have to remind myself that just because I didn’t encounter what I anticipated doesn’t mean my stories aren’t worth telling. Because I’m stuck in the detour now doesn’t mean I’ll be stuck forever. If I put work in, I’ll find my voice.
This space matters to me. Writing matters. You’re going to see more of me, more of my words soon. I promise.